A Recipient’s View: Coping With Losing a Father
When Leah Iskhakova found out that her father, Amnun, had a terminal brain tumor at 51, she was devastated. She was also worried about how her children, Benjamin and Victoria, then ages 6 and 5, would deal with the loss. When Amnun’s doctors told Leah there was nothing more they could do for him, she turned to MJHS, a beneficiary agency of UJA-Federation, for help with caring for her father in his final weeks.
How did the MJHS hospice program help you?
When we realized that treatment wasn’t working, we wanted to know, “How do we make him more comfortable?” The hospital he was in didn’t really explain any of that, they just said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do anything for you anymore.” Our rabbi referred us to MJHS and they were very caring and very attuned, not only to his needs, but to our needs as a family. We didn’t know how to handle the situation. Every day he had new symptoms. Is it going faster than it’s supposed to? What medication can we give to make the pain lesser? That’s the guidance that we needed. On top of that, there’s the Jewish approach to [death and dying], which MJHS guided us through. What does Judaism say about “Do Not Resuscitate?” When is it time to let go?
What was the most difficult part of finding out about your father’s illness?
He was a father figure to my children and it hit him very hard that he wasn’t going to get to see them grow up. When he was diagnosed, we were all trying to hold it together but it was very, very difficult; this was my father and I was very close to him. To know that, at a young age, he wasn’t going to be there with us, to know that he won’t see my children grow up, it was a very, very big loss.
After your father passed away, how did MJHS continue to guide you and your family?
We did have an art therapist, Matthew, come to the house, and the kids were very excited to see him. He would ask them what they would like to do and they would draw on that topic. I did sit in on a lot of the sessions and they’d make a project, or do arts and crafts, and he would prod them and ask them questions, but he wouldn’t really force it on them. He would introduce a subject and would let them pour their hearts out.
I myself was not sure how to explain it to the kids. What words do you use? It kind of gave me peace that they took the passing of their grandfather and understood it on their level; Matthew helped them understand why their grandfather was no longer there.
